Posts Tagged ‘parenting time’

Being a Hero in Your Kid’s Story

Wednesday, December 1st, 2010

Parenting During a Divorce – Being a Hero in Your Kid’s Story

If you are the parent of a young child, you have probably listened to more children’s music than you care to admit.  The simplistic, often overly repetitive nature of the sound can stick in your head.  Trying to avoid catching the tunes is futile.  They will find you.  They will infect you.  And just as soon as you begin to recover from one jingle, another will strike without warning.

Every once in a while, as I go to Court to represent a divorce client, I find myself humming one of these songs.  A few minutes after I begin, I usually find myself thinking about the words in the music.  I think about the meaning of the song I am humming and whether it sends an appropriate message to my children.  Sometimes, I am aghast at what I discover.  Other times, I am impressed by the depth of the simple message.

The song “Hero” by the children’s group, The Okee Dokee Brothers, is one of those songs that makes me proud to be a listener of children’s music.  And, as a divorce attorney, it’s a song that I wish my clients (and divorcing parents everywhere) could hear.  The music may be more to your child’s liking, but the message will leave you inspired.

As the title suggests, the song is about heroes – the kind of make-believe heroes found in movies or stories.  The heroes we all grew-up wanting to be but never could quite actualize.  Your kids will recognize some of the names (Peter Pan, Superman, and Robin Hood) and you will recognize the rest (Yoda, Frodo, and James Bond).  The song explains that even though we can’t fly through the air like Superman or use the Force like Luke Skywalker, we do have the power to be a hero in our kid’s story.  All we have to do is show-up, listen, and care.  That’s it.  No other magical powers required.

The stress of divorce can sometimes leave parents feeling isolated from their children.  It doesn’t matter if you are dad who loses custody of a child or a mom who has to exchange her kids three days a week.  Divorce means separation.  Separation means loss.  And loss can cause pain.

But, separation and loss do not mean that you can’t be a hero in your kid’s story.  You can.  Whether you choose to do so depends on how you spend your time with your kids.  As we know from the stories, superheroes discover their superpowers in unusual ways.  For some parents, their superpowers can remain hidden for a long time, only to be discovered when they begin parenting alone.

Make the choice to be a superhero in your kid’s story.  They deserve it!

If you are interested in hearing the song, you can purchase it on iTunes for $0.99.  It is on the Okee Dokee Brothers’ album entitled, “Take it Outside.”  As of yesterday, I couldn’t find the song on Youtube.  If you want to read the lyrics, go to http://www.okeedokee.org/lyricsTIO.html

Robert W. Gadtke is a Minneapolis divorce attorney.  His practice focuses on helping clients protect their children and get a fair financial settlement.  His ebook, 10 Top Divorce Mistakes and How to Avoid Them, can be found on his website.  He also maintains a blog devoted to divorce and family law. www.gadtke.com

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Developing a Parenting Time Schedule

Tuesday, November 23rd, 2010

When I work with clients to help develop an appropriate parenting time schedule, I usually begin by looking backwards, by examining the family’s history of care.  How did the parents care for the children before the family court was involved?  What types of patterns or routines did they use?  Who provided what types of care?

The initial backward looking focus is not intended to reward a parent for past conduct – family courts don’t reward people for past care – instead, it provides a baseline assessment of what has been happening in the family.  If mom or dad (or anyone else) has been providing most of the children’s care for the past ten years, it might not make sense to suddenly shift that care to someone else.  Be honest.  It can be hard to admit who has been caring for the children.

After we have a good understanding of what has been happening, we can begin to focus on what should happen in the future.  We try to project which parent (or parents) would be best suited to care for the children going forward.  As a starting point, we examine whether the parent who has provided the majority of the children’s care in the past remains best positioned to provide the care in the future?  Sometimes the answer is yes.  Other times the answer is no.  It depends on the facts.  As children grow older, their developmental needs change.  The parent who changed diapers, warmed bottles, or prepared meals might not be the parent best equipped to care for a rebellious teenager.  But, then again, stability might be exactly what the troubled teen needs.  It is impossible to say in the abstract.

When approached honestly, the process of determining who best can provide for the children’s future care (down to the nitty-gritty details) usually leads to a concrete and workable parenting time schedule.  For example, if we learn that dad works every weeknight until 9:00 p.m., overnight parenting time during the week might not be practical.  Conversely, if we learn that dad doesn’t work on Mondays or Tuesdays, having him care for the children on those days (instead of putting them in daycare) seems to be the right decision.

Remember, parenting time is about staying connected with the children.  It is not about achieving mathematical equality with a former spouse.  In many cases, a fifty-fifty parenting time schedule would be simply unworkable – if not for the parents then for the children.  But, an unequal parenting time schedule is not always a bad thing.  Many times it simply means that the parents are putting the needs of their children before their own.

Robert W. Gadtke is a Minneapolis divorce attorney.  His practice focuses on helping clients protect their children and get a fair financial settlement.  His ebook, 10 Top Divorce Mistakes and How to Avoid Them, can be found on his website.  He also maintains a blog devoted to divorce and family law. www.gadtke.com

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Potential Revisions to the Minnesota Child Support Law

Thursday, May 27th, 2010

In what seems to be an almost yearly occurrence, members of the Minnesota State Legislature have introduced legislation, which, if adopted, would substantially change the way child support is calculated in Minnesota.

Under existing law, non-custodial parents who have parenting time with their minor children between ten percent and forty-five percent of the year receive a standard twelve percent (12%) reduction to their child support payments to reflect monies spent on the children while in their care. This reduction is referred to as the Parenting Expense Adjustment.

The newly proposed legislation would seek to alter the way Courts apply the Parenting Expense Adjustment by creating an extra category of child support reduction for those non-custodial parents who have parenting time between thirty percent and forty-five percent of the year. Those parents would receive a thirty percent (30%) reduction to their child support obligation, instead of the standard twelve percent (12%) that they receive now.

The legislation would also expand the presumed amount of parenting time Courts would be required to award to non-custodial parents. Currently, in the absence of other evidence, it is presumed that non-custodial parents should receive at least twenty-five percent (25%) of the parenting time with the minor children. The proposed legislation would expand this presumption to forty percent (40%). The law would also require Courts to make detailed written findings specifically identifying the reasons for failing to adhere to the legal presumption.

According to information on the Minnesota State House and Senate websites, the bill has been laid over in committee. It is unclear whether any action will be taken on the bill before the end of the legislative session. If, however, the bill were to become law, it would dramatically change the way parenting time is handled in Minnesota. Effectively, it would create a presumption of nearly equal parenting time, shifting the burden of proof to the custodial parent to show why an award of forty percent parenting time is not in the best interests of the child. The legislation is contained in Minnesota State House File No. 1003 and Minnesota State Senate File No. 1223.

by Robert W. Gadtke

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New Research Suggests Growing up Without a Father Changes Brain Development

Tuesday, May 25th, 2010

According to an article published Tuesday in the Wall Street Journal, German scientists have discovered that growing up without a father actually changes the way brains develop in a small guinea pig-like rodent known as the Degus. Researchers studying Degu brain development found that Degu raised in single parent families have shorter nerve branches than those raised in two parent households. The pups raised by single parents also exhibited more aggressive and impulsive behavior than those raised by two parents. They lacked impulse control, and “when they played with their siblings, they engaged in more play-fighting and or aggressive behavior.”

The researchers noted that while the pups raised in single parent families received about the same amount of attention from their single caregiver as they did in two parent families, overall attention was significantly less for the single parent pups. The researchers urged caution, however, in extrapolating these findings to human children, as human thinking and decision making is more complex.

Going forward, researchers intend to focus their energies on determining whether the pups brains can be “rewired” by introducing substitute caregivers to help repair the damage. The research was published in the Journal of Neuroscience. The article is titled, “This Is Your Brain Without Dad.” It was written by Shirley S. Wang.

by Robert W. Gadtke

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She won’t let me see our daughter.

Wednesday, April 21st, 2010

Dear Family Law Lawyer: Last year, my girlfriend had a baby. Things were going “ok” for us until last week when we had a fight. She kicked me out of her mom’s house, where we had been living with our daughter for the last few months. Now, she won’t even let me see my daughter. She claims that I have “anger problems.” My friends say that I should call the police because she is infringing on my legal rights. What should I do? Tom in Winona, Minnesota.

Dear Tom: Sit down. We need to talk. Remember back in high school when you learned that the government couldn’t discriminate against people based solely on their sex? Remember learning how the constitution prohibits discrimination and that it’s illegal to refuse to hire someone simply because of their gender? Well, when it comes to the rights of unmarried fathers in Minnesota, sex discrimination is alive.

Under Minnesota Statutes Section 257.541, when a child is born to a woman who is not married to the child’s father at the time of the birth, the mother is awarded all custody and parenting time rights to the child. This is true even if the father were present at the child’s birth, had his name added to the birth certificate, and signed a recognition of parentage form. The father simply has no rights to see or visit his child until a judge signs an order giving him such rights. Unfortunately, your girlfriend has a solid legal basis, if not a moral one, for preventing you from seeing your daughter.

You need to contact an attorney as soon as possible.

by Robert W. Gadtke

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Parenting Time

Sunday, February 14th, 2010

Parenting time is defined by statute as “the time a parent spends with a child regardless of the custodial designation regarding the child.” Minn. Stat. 518.003, subd. 5 (2008). In other words, it is the time a parent and child spend together, not the custody label. Previously, it has been called visitation.

At the request of either party, the court must make an order regarding parenting time. Minn. Stat. 518.175 (2008). The order must “grant such parenting time on behalf of the child and a parent as will enable the child and the parent to maintain a child to parent relationship that will be in the best interests of the child.” Id. In making these decisions, courts are required to consider the age of the child and the child’s relationship with the parent before the case started. To the extent practical, parenting time orders should also contain a specific parenting time schedule, including holidays and vacations.

In an effort to assist parents in creating parenting time schedules that focus on their children’s developmental needs, the Minnesota Supreme Court published, “The Parental Guide to Making Child-Focused Parenting Time Decisions.” The Guide can be found on the state court website (www.courts.state.mn.us) under the Publications and Reports section. Courts frequently consider the Guide when making parenting time decisions, although it is not binding.

Absent other evidence, a new law makes it a rebuttable presumption that a “parent is entitled to receive at least 25 percent of the parenting time for the child.” Courts typically calculate the parenting time percentage by counting the number of overnights a child spends with the parent. Minn. Stat. 518.175, subd. 1(e) (2008).

Upon a showing that a child is likely to be endangered by his or her parent, the court may restrict or deny parenting time (e.g., require supervised parenting time, limit the duration of parenting time, place conditions on parenting time, etc.).

The fact that a parent is delinquent or not paying child support is not a valid reason for denying parenting time.

by Robert W. Gadtke

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My ex won’t let me see the kids — what can I do?

Thursday, January 28th, 2010

In cases involving children, divorce decrees contain language setting forth each party’s parenting time rights. Many times, however, people have problems enforcing these rights. It can seem as if the divorce decree is simply words on paper. Don’t worry! You do have options.

First, a parent who has been wrongfully denied parenting time can ask the Court to sanction the other parent. A request for sanctions typically includes a request for compensatory parenting time and attorney fees. If the Court finds that parenting time has been wrongfully withheld, it can grant your request.

Second, a parent who has been wrongfully denied parenting time can ask that the Court hold the other parent in contempt – send the other parent to jail. Before the parent can be sent to jail, however, the Court needs to find (after two hearings) that the party is willfully not complying with the terms of the divorce decree. Because sending a person to jail is considered an extreme option, contempt proceedings are usually more time consuming and expensive.

Finally, a parent who has been wrongfully denied parenting time can ask the prosecutor’s office to file criminal charges against the other parent. Minnesota law prohibits a parent from concealing a child from the other parent with the intent of depriving parental rights. Because prosecutors tend to be busy prosecuting violent offenders, it has been our experience that the prosecutor’s office generally leaves such matters to family court, unless the facts are extreme in nature.

by Marcus P. Beyer

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After my divorce is finalized, can I move out-of-state with the kids?

Sunday, January 24th, 2010

No. You cannot move out-of-state with the children unless you either have permission from the other parent to do so or get a Court Order granting you permission to move. Many parents don’t know this. After all, it’s not like the custody police will stop you at the state line and ask for your permission slip. Parents who disobey the law, however, do so at the risk of having to return to Minnesota.

The Minnesota Supreme Court ruled on this issue in 1983. It held that there was a presumption in favor of allowing the custodial parent (i.e., the parent with whom the children reside) to move out-of-state, provided that the purpose of the move was not to interfere with the noncustodial parent’s parenting time. The Court explained that it did not want to meddle in the parenting decisions of the custodial parent. To prevent a move, the noncustodial parent was required to show that the move was not in the best interests of the children. This rule was referred to as the Auge presumption, after the case in which it was announced.

In 2006, the law changed dramatically on this issue. The legislature changed who bore the burden of proof. Now, the relocating / custodial parent bears the burden of proof. He/she must convince the Court that the proposed move is in the best interests of the children. By law, the Court must consider eight (8) factors in determining whether the proposed moved is in the child’s best interests.

These cases present the court with difficult decisions. It must balance the benefit that would presumably come to the relocating parent and the child from the proposed move with the damage that would also be caused to the relationship between the child and the noncustodial parent. There are no easy answers.

by Robert W. Gadtke

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